While looking through my old journals, I came across this letter I wrote to Acrobat, one of the members of my Tribe. It was around Christmas 2018, when I was just finishing up the harsh chemo. (There were still 8 months of biologicals to go.) Looking back on it, I am pleased that the changes I was just beginning to make have taken root in me. My rediscovery of “true center” has allowed me to achieve the kind of balance I was looking for. Acrobat is healthy now!
Boy, have you been working overtime forever! And I didn’t even realize you were there. Well, now that I do, I want to work with you to bring both of us back to some kind of reasonable expectation of balance. I think I’ve been operating under a warped perception of my responsibilities for so long that you’ve lost track of true center. But I believe together we can reconstruct our scales and figure out a balance that keeps us both sane and healthy.
I became aware of you only recently when I asked myself the question, “Why do I automatically pull back when I think of starting a creative project?” It’s you, isn’t it? It’s you telling me to be careful I don’t exhaust myself. Even though every time I’m creative, I feel better and more energized than I did before I started.
I don’t blame you. I know I’ve ignored your warnings in other contexts so often that you’ve decided I can’t be trusted. And you’re right. I’ve been crazy for a long time. But things are changing and I want to go over this new way with you so we can be on the same page.
I’ve realized that I have to make my creativity the main focus of my life or I’m going to die. Literally. So all that weight I was putting on the scales that tipped them so far in favor of working an unfulfilling job and taking on too much responsibility in my personal life is going to shift. It’s already started, this process of shifting. I know you can feel it, so you know I’m telling the truth.
What I need you to do is shut off your alarms and listen to the sound of that shifting. Close your eyes with me and concentrate on perceiving what’s really happening with our balance. Let this realignment educate us both on what needs to be done to establish a healthy interplay between my creativity and the chaos of life.
There are other shifts happening too. Between logic and intuition. Between control and allowing. I have screwed up your center line for these things too.
So, I’m going to ask you to de-emphasize your fears in these three areas for a while, as I am doing. Creativity, intuition, and allowing. We are applying the brakes when what we need is to go with the flow. I have spoken to Fear about this and she is on board. She’s still going to freak out sometimes, but she’s accepted that she is no longer going to decide anything that doesn’t involve an armed gunman.
Once you and I have cleared out space a bit, Acrobat, we’ll be able to hear the cosmic signals better. We’ll be able to feel the tiny adjustments we need to make to maintain balance in my life. We’ll realize that it’s possible to be happy and fulfilled. Amazing how far my denial of happiness and fulfillment progressed, isn’t it? For that, I apologize and I promise I will work with you to make sure it never happens again!
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